Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

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Jesus stages second coming

“Make way, biznitch. Bethlehem in the house!”

The words of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ rang out last weekend on the GW campus. Unfortunately his message fell on deaf ears.

“They were deaf,” said Jesus. “Not literally deaf, of course. I could deal with that. These kids were just real friggin’ ignant.”

Jesus Christ’s booking agents (names withheld) apparently weren’t working with the clearest of heads when they decided to book Our Lord and Savior’s Second coming in the GW Hillel’s dining room last Saturday.

Jesus’ routine included a lengthy barrage of Jew jokes and a comic reinterpretation of various beatitudes. It featured commentary such as “Blessed are the hook-nosed, for they shall find a plastic surgeon” and “What’s with Barabus, I mean, really?” and “So, are there any Canaanites in the house?”

The unruly audience members prompted Jesus to openly chastise their poor manners. Many in the audience only came to see Jesus perform his best-known hit.

“No, I’m not doing the cross thing again, asshole,” God’s one and only son replied.

The audience, literally casting stones, received the coming with far less enthusiasm than Jesus himself expected.

As he commented, “God was soooo wrong about you guys. You’re not the chosen ones. I’m the chosen one. Me, not you, you. ME! Pay attention to me! I died for your sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.”

Jesus’ T-shirt, a lovely souvenir from his old school, “starving, cross-ridden-in-the-heat-of- the-desert” days, was itself a controversial wardrobe choice.

“You didn’t die,” cried several audience members.

“Yes I did, stop saying that.” responded Jesus.

Whispers of “Frankly, I thought Donny Osmond made a better Jesus than the real Jesus. I mean, he had those flared jeans” circulated at one point throughout the room. A heated discussion on whether the jeans were Levi or Diesel ensued, leaving Jesus standing on stage, frantically waving his arms for attention from the crowd.

“Fuck these people,” Jesus confided to The BongHit after the less-than-stellar performance. “I mean, shit, they’s my peeps from way back when, the least they could do is show support for one of their homeys.”

Jesus declined to comment on the fact that he did sort of break from Judaism and found an entirely new religion.

“Details,” he said, and promptly changed the subject.

“I mean,” he said, his voice breaking on the last syllable, “shit’s hard these days, you know. First, immigration gave me trouble because I am Arab. I had to cure a leper for those hard-asses just to get my visa. Like I would pull shit on these fuckers. They’d bomb the shit out of my hometown if I did, we both know that.”

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