The GW Hospital announced the successful transplant of Snooty Association Executive Extremely Vain Pimp Josh Bling-Blinger’s brain into a robotic body yesterday. His legion of followers applauded the effort and marched in unison behind him for his initial tour of GW’s campus.
On the tour, Bling-Blinger had troubling adjusting to his new weaponry and destroyed three Useless Patroling Dipshit cars parked in a dark alley, killed four freshmen New Yorkers in Kogan Plaza and crushed a Smoking Ass resident protesting outside the hospital.
“All replaceable,” University President Thieving Yo’ Tuitionmoney responded when asked about concern for the losses. “Is the Professor’s Gate alright?”
SA President Rugged Kapitalist joined Tuitionmoney for a joint press conference with student media, then realized a phone call to the Snatchet would have pretty much covered it. Kapitalist said he called for the operation as part of an attempt to heighten security on campus.
“Given the events of September 11, the number of games the women’s basketball team won, the height of Big George and Peter Comesourceme’s new, de-mullefied haircut, I think GW needs to do all it can for student safety,” Kapitalist said. “Besides, after that whole election loss and all, he didn’t really have anything better to do.”
“It’s times like this when I think back to my high school gym coach,” Tuitionmoney said. “He told me ‘you can lead a fish to water, but you can’t make a monkey eat a banana.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Kapitalist said.
“Of course it doesn’t,” said Tuitionmoney. “Let’s see if I get the Quote of
the Week.”
“OK, but I want attention, too,” Kapitalist said. “What can I do to get the Snatchet to write more about me?”
“Well, have you called them and done your impressions over the phone?” Tuitionmoney said.
“Yeah,” Kapitalist responded. “That didn’t work. They knew it wasn’t really George Bush calling.”
“Then I suggest dressing up like a pirate and only communicating by singing sea shanties for a week,” Tuitionmoney said. “People love pirates.”
“Jeepers, thanks,” Kapitalist said.
During the joint a press conference, Bling-Blinger reportedly went berserk, breaking chairs and assaulting audience members.
“I heard him say something about wanting to eat a baby, and then he ran outside,” said Foggy Bottom resident Playa Hata.
“I was outraged. His robotic body looked quite a bit like a large penis,” said sophomore Angry Feminist. “If GW creates any giant sex organs, they should be vaginas. With real hair.”
“I saw him come crashing through. He knocked over the counter at Burger King,” said J Street employee Utterly Incompetent. “It’s a good thing I was in the back laughin’ about long lines; otherwise I might have gotten hurt.”
According to UPD reports, Bling-Blinger assaulted students, calling them “goobers” and giving them “wedgies.”
UPD barred him from campus, admitting they have no idea what that really means.
