Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

GWacked swipes couch

Members of the Gone Wasted to All my College Klasses and am Especially Dumb (GWacked) have taken their first hostage by capturing a leather sofa from the Hippodumb last month.

“We’re doing this to protest the murder of all of those innocent calves,” said deputy sheriff of GWacked Bumpkin Politico, who was sporting a new pair of suede Nikes. “Let’s just say that it’s going to go well in the new GWacked house. It’s the People’s sofa now.”

But as of Thursday, the Underhanded Police Dawgs did not know where the GWacked house was located.

“Well, we have our suspicions by the haze of marijuana smoke near the 7-Eleven House and the guys standing on the roof yelling, `Hey! We have your fucking couch!'” said Doggy Style, director of Underhanded Police Dawgs. “But we lost a bet with Aramark last week and can no longer give warrants, so we have just have some of our scrubs eating donuts out there.”

An officer near the scene, whose name rhymed with Rocket Randy, intimated that UPD had ulterior motives.

“They’re the guys who have stolen all the donuts from J Street for late night munchies,” the disgruntled officer said. “Fuck those bastards until their eyes bleed!”

Other GWacked members explained their own motivations for stealing the couch.

“Dude – just fuck capitalism. I mean we pay $35,000 so don’t we deserve the damn sofa?” said another burnout who asked not to be identified.

Boy Gonad, director for Students for Smoking Dope Pipes, claimed his participation was for another reason.

“I mean we all should get luxuries,” Gonad said. “If I can’t smoke up in a fucking dorm then why are we having leather couches? My lungs should get a lot better treatment than my ass!”

A masked GWacked member released a ransom note last night saying the couch would be returned if the University halted its control of the weather in Third World countries, which they allege kills hundreds of insects and forces trees into climate slavery every year.

“Free Mumia the tree! Death to death penalty! Death penalty for Trachtopussy,” said Takentoo Seriously, a GWacked member.

Even the group Anarchist Socialist Students for Helping Opinionated, Lamenting Eskimos (ASSHOLEs) chimed in on the theft.

“We want more Eskimos at the school,” Mymombought My Birkenstocks said. “The leather in that couch took away from one less parka that our people could have worn.”

Meanwhile The Mullet was offered a stash of weed to not print this story today, but Editor-in-Chief Rollin’ W. Myhomies said it would be unethical.

“The day we cater to a bunch of hooligans is the day The Mullet gets by without spelling someone’s name wrong,” Myhomies said.

Anyone with information about the masked robbers should call UPD at the 7-Eleven doughnut counter, or call 382-5968 (dial the letters).

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