I have only one word of seniorly advice for those GW students busy finalizing their schedules for spring registration: prostitution. Feast your eyes, gentle readers, because I am talking about pornography, stripping and phone sex. As Hans and Franz say, hear me now and believe me later: Fire up your MP3-burdened laptops, connect to GWeb and add Sociology 252.11: The Sex Industry, to your schedule.

The suddenly ultra-cool Sociology department is offering a unique course examining the sex profession, its politics, stigmas, gender roles and problems. Forget Poli Sci 1 and Econ 11. Just imagine what the term paper must be like for this class if fieldwork is required. If you think you learned everything you need to know in kindergarten, take this course.

This information stems from my concern for the high boredom levels on campus. In a recent poll taken Wednesday during my early afternoon class, five people were asleep, twelve were staring off into space, seven were creating M.C. Escher tributes in their notebooks and one poor soul was picking his nose when he thought no one was looking. The scene reminded me of fourth graders watching one of those dismal filmstrips with the announcer’s distorted, monotone voice crackling: Wheat – from America’s breadbasket to your breakfast table (beeeeep). The teacher’s pet got to advance the filmstrip at every beep. That was the only half-stimulating line of work at that age. The rest of us have been conditioned toward boredom ever since.

Let’s face it, our University needs more classes grounded in pertinent subject matter to titillate our minds. Imagine how much easier registration would be if other disciplines emulated the Sociology department.

ANTH 248: Cultures of New Jersey. From Atlantic City’s Boardwalk to Jersey City’s barrooms, the diverse and colored tribal culture of the Garden State will be investigated. Topics include the development of attitudes to peoples outside New Jersey, phenomena of the mall and a term paper on the theme An Accent Born. Prerequisite: Residency in a state other than New Jersey. Taught by some guy named Sal.

ECON 261: The Inelastic Demand for Black Pants on College Campuses. If Trish goes to the store one week and buys Capri pants for $40, then returns the next week and buys the same pair for $70, what explains her irrational spending behavior? Inelastic demand, silly! Explore the supply and demand of one of today’s hottest commodities, tracing the product from its birth in a Malaysian sweatshop to its eventual consumption at Mister Days or Polly Esther’s. Course fees of $15 to $1,500 may apply.

EXSC 054: Luxury Car Driving. A little rusty when it comes to parallel parking your SUV by Gelman or unsure of which subwoofer combination best fits your new BMW Z3? The Exercise Science department would really, really like you to consider taking one of its courses, so why not this one? Learn about the Doppler effect and your stereo system, the application of neon to the undercarriage and gain insight on how to be seen on campus without anyone knowing you’ve been driving around in circles for the past two hours. Prerequisite: Tinted windows or vanity plates.

Better courses demand better professors. A certain soon-to-be-unemployed neighbor is the perfect choice to spearhead these new academic initiatives. President Clinton, please consider joining the GW faculty. You can create any course you desire like My Kick Ass Presidency or start a Hey, My Wife Lives in New York Now living and learning floor in Thurston. Give it some thought and we’ll lend you our ears. For in the words of Dan Quayle, the mind is a terrible thing to waste.