GW’s in-house spinmeister Just Hopin’ (the Republicans will win the presidency) is graduating in just a few weeks, leaving MS Hatchet reporters wondering who will fill their stories with political mumbo-jumbo and Beltway jive.

Hopin’ said he is doing a world-wide search for a replacement, “someone who will circumvent issues and hide behind humor like I do.”

In the meantime, admirers are erecting a monument in Hopin’s honor to remember his contribution to the GW community. Hopin’ said he relishes his new place among American heroes such as Abraham Lincoln.

Hopin held a press conference to thank his followers. He was accompanied on stage by a cardboard cutout of Jewel, who he referred to as his girlfriend.

“She `saves my soul,’ ” he said.

But Hopin’ said she can never replace the late Yankee superstar Joe DiMaggio, who Hopin’ said was taken too soon and must be remembered as a true American hero.

“He’s my savior,” he said. “The SA must continue to keep his legacy alive. That accomplishment alone makes up for any indiscretions the SA has had.”