Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet


The GW Hatchet

Serving the GW Community since 1904

The GW Hatchet

GW haz no skillz, nobody can slam in dunk contest

A much-anticipated slam dunk competition among some of the players on the GW men’s basketball team ended in a tie, as all of the competitors failed to dunk the ball.

The spectacle at the Spit Center was quite a laugh for the GW fans who turned out to see the contest, as the players missed dunks in a variety of ways.

The competition was a debacle from the beginning as GW’s players kept the favorite, Egor Messyroom, from competing. They made a rule stating that “No 6-9 Belarussians who are really good at basketball can participate,” which obviously eliminated Messyroom from the start.

“I think they didn’t want to get embarrassed when a white guy kicked their asses in slam dunking,” Messyroom said. “Whatever. They can have their fun.”

Psycho Camera started the competition by shooting a three-pointer, but he was quickly informed that it was a slam-dunk competition. Then as he drove to the basket all the blood rushed out of his head and he fainted when he saw that he was in the paint for the first time in his GW career.

“Where am I?” said a woozy Camera, as he looked around at the sea of blue paint surrounding him. “I claim this foreign land for the King of Portugal!”

The competition turned ugly soon after, as Sanfrancisco Kidd started shoving players who said he couldn’t dunk. While no one has ever fouled out of a slam dunk competition, the official in charge began calling fouls on Kidd and he was promptly disqualified from participating.

Freshman 7-0 center Betterina Coma, the tallest player in the competition, opened with a missed layup. Organizers told Coma he had to go strong to the rim and DUNK to get a qualifying score.

“You want me to do what?” Coma responded. “Actually touch the rim? People do that?”

-Undy Roose

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