PISCES (Feb. 22-March 21)You failed your art history midterm. Nice job dumb ass. There goes your future, but what are you planning to do with a degree in that anyway?

ARIES (March 22-April 21)Stop worrying about what to pack for spring break. It doesn’t matter because you’ll be stuck in your bungalow all week. The only place you’ll need an ID is to get the mini bar restocked.

TAURUS (April 22-May 21)You think it’s going to be cool to stay in D.C. for spring break. Think again. Just because no one is here to call you a loser doesn’t mean you’re not one.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21)The people fainting around you aren’t falling over good looks. Your perfume is so strong you don’t even notice because its already killed your sense of smell.

CANCER (June 22-July 21)You’re looking forward to spring break. Why? You’re not doing anything but sitting around on your lazy ass with your parents. At least they pretend to like you.

LEO (July 22-Aug. 21)You met a really cool person last weekend. Maybe this time you won’t screw things up. But that’s not likely considering your track record.

VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 21)Remember last spring break – the beach, the bars, the fun, the horrible sunburn? Don’t be a stupid this year and wear some sun block.

LIBRA (Sept. 22-Oct. 21)You think you’re so cool going to Florida for spring break. You should probably shut your big mouth. When you come home without a tan and a t-shirt that says “I survived El Ni?o,” your friends will have the last laugh.

SCORPIO (Oct. 22-Nov. 21)Beware of bitches in tight black pants and chunky shoes. When that girl smashed into you, all her friends were watching. Did you really think she was alone? All girls in tight black pants travel in herds.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)You cheated on your boy/girlfriend last weekend. Don’t feel guilty. Just realize you’re the asshole for thinking the other guy/girl may actually care about you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 21)You’ve been talking about one of your friends all week. You’re so stupid you think s/he doesn’t realize it. Well, s/he does and s/he doesn’t care because s/he has other friends who are actually cool. You’re not.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 22-Feb. 21)You really put yourself in a bad position. You have complicated your life so much. There’s no hope of getting out of this mess now. But you’re so pathetic, you probably don’t even care what you’re doing.