Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.
When Bravo producers visited the Foggy Bottom Campus last fall, they knew they had struck gold.
The network will soon make GW the first college in the country with its own reality show, using the campus’ penchant for petty infighting and wild accusations to bring “The Real Administrators of Foggy Bottom” to primetime cable.
“Usually with reality television, we have to fake some drama. With GW, it’s already there!” producer Biz Snarkey said. “Admissions officials lie to teenagers. They lie about documents. There’s alleged bullying AND gay threesomes.”
“Jesus Christ, we’re going to make a fortune off these ratings!” he added.
The producer said the mega-network’s interest was piqued once GW’s fourth dean was pushed out of a job in as many years.
Once a plot twist unfolded and one ex-dean accused a professor of secretly reporting false financial embezzlement and sex with colleagues, the television officials said they knew they had to ink the deal.
“That’s absolutely fucked up,” he said. “We think the nation is going to fall in love with GW administrators and faculty. And I mean fall in love like the way America falls in love with (but also really hates) everyone on ‘The Bachelor.’”
Nelly Johnson, a gay male sophomore, said he expected the show to become his new “guilty pleasure.”
“It’s amazing because it’s not something you’d expect from a top-rate university,” Johnson said. “But I think me and my friends are totally going to identify with GW administrators now. I’ll be the sassy one who doesn’t take shit, Joey will be the one who’s always trying to start a fight.”
The University’s student life office is planning an elaborate watch party in the Smith Center for the show’s pilot – complete with cardboard cutouts of GW administrators and faculty, as well as free t-shirts with the show’s tagline, “Something Bizarre and Immature Happens Here.”
According to pilot clips obtained by The Butter Knife, the show will start with scenes from the secretive Board of Trustees retreat in which University President Stephen Klapp drops his champagne glass and flips over a table when confronted by dean Smug Runfree. “He shouldn’t be able to sit with us,” Klapp said in the clip.
Producers are also in talks with GW officials to plan a full suite of reality shows. Sources say administrators have pitched a show in which students who pay full tuition go on blind dates with financially needy students whose scholarships they’re helping pay for.
GW officials would not disclose potential earnings from the historic deal, but Klapp pledged that the revenue would be invested back in students.
“We will continue to use our educational, nonprofit status as a shield when we want to do stuff that makes us a lot of money,” Klapp said. “Don’t ask questions about it, just smile and nod.”
